Originally drafted up by 📌 Ida, potentially been added onto by others.

Last edited: 2025-07-13

Table of contents

About this document

This is going to be a bit different than other posts on this site, for one this post is primarily for those we know in real life and not online. As such a Norwegian version of this post is coming at some point.

This document contains some basic rules of engagement, things we expect from you when you talk to us, and something like an FAQ on how to act around us being a system. This also means that this is probably going to be a sort of living document and will likely get edits.

This is meant as a reference document and is written so you can reference just one section.

Setting expectations

So you might be sitting there concerned that this friend of yours or whatever is imposing rules on you for you to talk to them. While that is exactly what we are doing with this I also think that everyone does this. By putting this in writing I am just making it clearer than most what we want from people and not just relying on you picking up when we don't like something or similar. This is an exercise in clarity and communication and is not a set in stone code of laws that we will give you the death penalty if you don't follow. If you struggle with parts of this it doesn't mean we will just cut you off or anything.

However I will note this, if you can't manage to stick to this we will probably think you are somewhat unpleasant to be around in one way or another and you might find that we get significantly slower at answering texts and that certain members of our system may stop making active efforts to talk to you. If you can't be bothered to put effort into keeping us around in your life then that will start going both ways.

If you think that is unreasonable, this is how all relationships with people work. Again we are just putting it into text, if anything I think this is nicer than most people that just expect you to infer their boundaries.

I am also not expecting everyone we know to read all of this, but I recomend at least skimming though it. You should be able to get the general idea by reading the highlighted bits.

It is also worth noting that this is personal and will not apply to all systems, I am speaking for noone but myself, though I hope that this may still be useful in thinking through how you treat other systems too.

But why

Why is this a
So we have preached a lot that people should ask the systems in their life how they want to be talked about and talked to. But even after saying this to people noone has ever really asked us, and the few times we have been asked about this it has been in very basic terms. What it feels like is that people don't really even know what asking about this means. This is meant as both an answer to most of the questions we can think of, and a way to tell people what questions we wish people would ask about but never do.
Hopefully this will also be somewhat useful for knowing what to ask other systems in your life too.

If you have questions like the ones here or want more detail on something, ask. We will probably be very happy to reply and may also add things onto this if we are reminded of things.

The big thing

This is an overarching thing and if you understand exactly what we mean by this you can infer a lot of other things later on.

We are separate people, treat us as such. Most of the rest of this is just going to be going into detail about what exactly this means. This isn't an invitation to stop reading if you feel like you understand this though. There may be things here you haven't thought of and you should still skim this.

This is a good way to start off though, we aren't personalities. If you talk a bunch about how "Lilly has a bunch of different personalities" that is a very quick way to make us feel dehumanised. Do this to the wrong person and you might legitimately piss them off. We are people, we just share a body, refer to us as such.

Note on medical terminology

So there are a lot of terms that people use when talking about plurality. We don't like a lot of the medically linked ones because they feel dehumanizing. Specifically we dislike the term alter, we also call ourselves multiple or plural. We do not say we have DID or similar because we don't care.

System responsibility

So I am putting this up front. You may wonder "I have an issue with X system member because they did Y" or similar sorts of things. If you have complaints about us you don't have to bring that up with the specific person in question.

System responsibility is real despite our occasional joking about the contrary. If one of us has done anything at all that bothers you it is everyone in the system's job to be accountable for that. And for this sort of thing also do not be afraid to ask to speak to a specific person in the system if you either want to talk with the person in question or the person you are the most comfortable with.

But how do I do names and pronouns?

Use our individual ones when talking to us. If you don't know who is fronting either ask or make a guess, trust me we won't judge you or get mad if you get it wrong. Honestly it is somewhat entertaining to have people guess even when it is wrong and it is good practice to be able to tell us apart. If you are texting us, seeing us on the street or something like that where you don't exactly have anything to go off of to tell who you are talking to thats the time for the name Lilly or Garden. But if you are having a conversation with us it is going to be incredibly offputting if we aren't achnowledged by name.

"Does this mean I have to memorize the names of all X people?" Hah, no. You don't have to learn all of our names, especially not immediately. Same as how you wouldn't learn the names of all of your coworkers on the first day. Learn our names as you get to know us as people, if you never talk to someone then you don't need to know their name. And we also get that this takes time especially since us sharing a face throws people off a bit.

Take your time to get to learn our names, and feel free to ask again if you forget, there is no shame in it. But you will never learn our names if you don't use them. And if you don't have our names then it's really hard to get to know how we act and what we like too. If you try telling us (as some people have) that you can get to know us and refer to all of us as Lilly at the same time then we straight up just won't believe you because 11/10 people that have said this have ended up being wrong.

Pronouns

This also goes for pronouns, we have our own. Use them. If in doubt none of us are offended by they/them so if in doubt that works. But do try to learn our pronouns. Us being plural isn't an excuse to be transphobic. Because if your reaction to this is "Oh no I have to learn a bunch of names and pronouns" you are both managing to be a dick about our plurality while managing to be transphobic at the same time.

TLDR: If you go around calling the dudes in the system "Lilly" and "she" they won't exactly be hyped to talk to you.

What if I am talking about all of you

Well, talk about us as if we are several people. I trust that you are able to adapt this into whatever language is relevant for you, even though not all languages have the same "features". They and them in the plural sense is fantastic. To us phrases like "yall" or "you guys" are also great. When talking to us think you (plural) not you (singular) and if you are speaking something that actually has a noticable difference between the two well then do that then.

"And what about a collective name?" Garden is prefered, Lilly works in a pinch. Whatever random nicknames you can think of for us is also fantastic.

If you are talking about us to someone we are never going to meet I also get that it might just be easier to use Lilly as a name instead of explaining the whole system thing, which might be the case sometimes. But here is another idea, just talk about us as entirely separate people.

Note on Lilly as a name

It is a name for us as a collective, not a single individual. We all react to it if you shout it at us, but some less than others. And if you shout it at one of the dudes expect them to be slightly disgruntled if it is reasonable to assume you knew they were around.

If you are just using Lilly because "That's what you are used to" I should probably note that we have considered changing it to something else and throwing out this name entirely. You should know that when you use it and that if we do end up throwing it out we will consider it a deadname like the legal name that came before it. So don't get too used to it.

How do I know who I am talking to

This was touched on in one of the last bits but it is a common enough question that I am going to repeat and expand on this here if there are people looking for just this. Generally we think you should just try to guess. If you don't get it right or don't know then ask. And if we spend a lot of time around you we have tools that can help recognize us, ask for those if you need them.

Switches mid conversation

There are two and a half main kinds of this. First one is someone peeking in, usually someone else making a quick joke or adding something onto the conversation and just dissapearing. When we do this we may or may not announce who we are and you don't really have to do much as the other party to the conversation outside of taking note that it was someone else. If the person didn't announce themselves you don't really have to put effort into knowing who it was either.

Second one is a bit more likely if the subject of the conversation just shifted or there was a break, and that is a complete switch. The previous person you were talking to stepping out and someone else stepping in. If there was just a shift in subject and someone else just shows up and continues the conversation they have probably been watching for a bit and don't need to be caught up or anything. But you may want to ask who they are if you can't tell.

Sort of related to the second one is if there is a complete break in conversation, like for example someone leaving for the bathroom. You might get someone else in who just straight up doesn't know what was talked about before. If this happens expect to have to start an entirely new conversation ans they probably don't have a clue what was said before and may not be interested in just picking up the conversation, though do just ask about that, you never know.

When dealing with this you can sort of treat it like the person you originally had that conversation with has just left and someone else has sat down in the room instead, as that is basically what it is.

If you think you may be dealing with someone else than you were earlier just ask.

Our interests

We are different people to the extent that some of us have very different interests. Assuming we are all into the same things will be offputting to us and potentally annoying to you. You may be used to talking about one thing with a specific person in the system. If someone else is around there is no guarantee that talking about the same things will go anywhere. Some of us love computers, some of us won't touch one unless forced. Some of us love to run around and do physical activity and working out, some of us couldn't care less and would rather read a book. If a specific person expresses they like something that doesn't mean thats the only thing that defines them. They probably have other things too that you can talk about.

But what if I need/want to talk to someone with X interest?

Say you have a computer problem and need to talk to someone who can help out. There is no guarantee when you text us that you will reach anyone who knows about what to do with the problem or cares enough about computers to not be annoyed by the idea of troubleshooting. Don't let this stop you from asking about something, you never know, the person who is around might also be interested, or might be able to get someone who is.

But on the other hand the person who is around might not want to step out just so you can get one of the nerds, if that's the case then we might try to come back to you later but chances are that you have to remind us again later and hope you catch the right people.

How do I know who is interested in what?

Ask. Get to know us, like you would with most people. But, if you meet us at say a board game night or something you can probably safely assume that the person you bump into is in some way interested in board games. But the oposite also somewhat applies, meet someone at a physical training thing, they also might be interested in crafts, but don't be surprised if not, that isn't what they are there for.

Personalities

Wait, didn't you say to not use that word? Yes! I did, you remember quite well. But we may be people but we also as people have different personalities. Some of us are very talkative, some of us are very much not. Some of us are extroverted, some of us are not. Some of us are loud, others are not. Some of jokingly insult people, others will cry at the idea of insulting anyone.

Are there things we have in commmon, yes a fair bit, but that is far from a thing you can rely on.

To some this may seem obvious but to others it isn't. And in our experience a lot of people don't seem to get this. You may be used to the way one person talks and how you communicate back. With some of us for example we have a bad habit of interrupting people and you may be used to having to speak over them a bit to get a word in. This isn't universal though, and if you apply the same communication style to the wrong person they will just get annoyed and leave because they struggle to talk to you. Again this somewhat comes back to get to know people, and don't assume that we communicate the same ways.

This also goes for a bunch of other things. If you are used to talking with the ones of us that are more soft spoken it may be weird to meet someone who composes most of their sentences with swear words, but that doesn't mean they are angry at you, or anything for that matter. It may just be a difference in the way we speak and communicate.

Relationships

So how do we deal with this since we are so many, is this collective? No, no it is not. You being friends with one of us doesn't automatically assume that all of us feel just as close to you, though if you know one of us it is likely that the rest of us trust you a bit more too. If one of us makes a comment about dating someone or liking someone that also is far from universal and does not apply to the others automatically. Acting like it very quickly gets awkward for everyone involved, and sometimes for people that aren't.

What if I get along better with one person over others

That's entirely natural. I'm sure there are some friends of yours that you get along with better than others. And in the same way there is probably going to be people in our system that you mesh with and people that you don't. Though I will say, it is generally quite rude to start asking if you can talk to specific people over others. Same way that you wouldn't hang out with friends of yours and sit there talking about how you would much rather talk to someone else but they will have to do.

But getting to know all of us individually will likely mean there are some people you know better than others and connect with better and thats fine. That isn't a problem at all, but do try to give the others a chance.

Other things of relevance

This is stuff where I don't know how to categorize it.

I have a question about X, is that an ok thing to ask about

We are very very open as people generally speaking, chances are we are fine with answering your question no matter what it might be. Even if you are afraid that it's rude to ask or something, throw it at us anyways, if it's not a question we want to answer we will just tell you and I promise you we won't be mad that you asked.

A note on memory

Our memory overlap is partial, this means that we will remember basic things but very often detail is lost between us, you have to expect to repeat what you have said if you have told something to one person and then later talk to someone else. Occasionally even basics are gone so you may meet us on the street and whoever is fronting has no idea who you are until you say where you know us from. Give a pointer towards where you know us from and we generally can connect the dots though.